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Spisi
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inchargemarge
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2025 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riley didn't make any obvious movements, but her eyes seemed to acknowledge what Stasi was saying in a knowing way. She of course did not want to pry, as she knew first hand the weight of that knowledge. It was hard to carry and even harder to share. But she wanted Stasi to know that she was not alone, and be assured that it had happened to her too. Riley sort of relaxed into the chair, slouching as she stared out a nearby window with a far away look in her eyes.

"It is good that you're looking out for your health, the babes health too." Riley began without looking at Stasi. "When I lost my first, I was not sure if I could have anymore babies." Riley said, her tone was even and she spoke about it in a matter of fact way. That being said, the loss of her own unborn baby was not something of common knowledge. The only people who knew besides Riley, were Ace and Mityr. It was not something she liked to talk about, she liked even less remembering it quietly to herself. Riley had been alive a long time, and lived to see so many things. She hoped the stacking years would lessen the pain of some of her experiences. It had not.
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PeanutButterGoddess



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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2025 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stasi's eyes widened in shock as she watched her grandmother. There was a great deal about Riley's life before that Stasi was not privy to, she got the impression it wasn't the most comfortable thing to discuss, especially with your grandchildren.

"Do you mean...you and Dedushka...lost a baby, too? Before Dyadya?" She asked.
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inchargemarge
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2025 7:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riley's face remained unchanged, still steely and unwavering even as she recalled her life from before.

"Da," Riley nodded at the first part before following it with a wave of her hand. "It was before your Dedushka, when I was na narakh." Riley explained, or thought she explained. Riley was a private person by default, that was intentional. But the lines between what was private, what was secrete, and what had never come up, blurred. Her eyes narrowed a little and her gaze flit to Stasi quickly. "When I was in the ГУЛАГ?" She offered as further explanation.
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PeanutButterGoddess



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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2025 7:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riley didn't need to say anything else, Stasi understood. It was in her grandmother's carefully picked words and faraway eyes. She had suffered greatly in the labor camp, she perhaps suffered even more than Stasi could ever fully grasp, but there was at least something Stasi could understand at least to a similar metric and that was the loss of a child.

She sat quietly with this for a moment before she looked off towards the window her grandmother had been looking out of.

"We...I've lost three babies now." She admitted quietly. "The first was...it was before Spider and I announced to everyone we were together. We'd been together for a little bit when we found out about the baby." She smiled a little as she recollected how when she'd told Spider in that little deli they had liked so much how he'd dropped to his knees and immediately fawned over her belly. "We were very happy and we decided then we were going to tell Papa and Mama about us, then everyone else, so we could tell everyone about the baby, but...shortly before we could do all that...I miscarried." She paused to swallow the bud that had formed in her throat. "The night it happened was so terrible and awful, but I think the days afterwards were the worst. It felt like I'd be sad for the rest of my life, Babushka." She looked over to her grandmother then. "Were you sad like that?" She asked.
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inchargemarge
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2025 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riley leaned in and took one of Stasi's hands as she began to explain. While Riley was normally stone faced, her brows furrowed ever slightly, but the concern and empathy still found way to her eyes. She was not normally this affection, this tender with her girls. But it was a pain and a sadness she knew all too well. Besides herself, pregnancy and the loss of which, was entirely common in the gulag. Women's bodies were currency in jail, and their bodies would be robbed of their agency and their babies. If a women got pregnant, abortions were often enforced. Which were illegal in Russia, there were no proper doctors or even a clean bed to lay on. She would hear the women scream and cry all everyday. One day her own screams would fill the camp. She would crawl out of the barracks on all fours, naked and bleeding in the snow. Riley felt her eyes glaze over as she tried to suck in a breath, which sounded much sharper and louder than she had intended for it to.

"I felt like the sadness would go on forever." Riley said quietly, clearing her throat and trying to blink away tears. "I think about their little lives, and who they were supposed to be." Riley continued, squeezing Stasi's hand.

Riley had several miscarriages in the gulag, some forced and others the consequence of harsh living conditions. But her first, was the one that she carried closest to her heart. He was born too early; he had thick black hair that swirled from the crown of his head. His eyes were white, and his limbs were small, curled and deformed but he was no less beautiful to Riley. She cried, he did not; he had been born asleep. Riley rocked him in the crook of her arm, small enough to be covered by her hand. They stayed like that until the guards separated them, they took him away and that was the last she saw of him. She hadn't known what to name him, he had only ever belonged to Riley. She hated her Dad and his name, she named him after the only person who had ever looked out for her.

"My first was almost a full babe, I called him Raphael. I felt so heavy and empty all at once when I lost him. Sometimes I thought the sadness would kill me." She continued. "I hadn't known how much I wanted him, how much I loved him, until I lost him."
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PeanutButterGoddess



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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2025 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stasi's heart ached as she listened, both for her grandmother's losses and also for her own. She knew that their circumstances were very different, but the loss of a child, multiple children even, was a tender wound they both shared. She felt hot tears gather and roll down her cheeks and she reached up with her free hand to dab them away before joining it with her other hand and Riley's to give them a firm squeeze back.

"I still think about my babies and wonder what it would have been like, what they would have looked like, what they would feel like in my arms, what Spider would have looked like as a papa with them," Stasi took a sharp, shuddering breath, "and it makes my heart ache... but I know that if this baby is born healthy that I can love them for all those other babes too. Spider will too. Maybe by seeing this baby, I can see a little bit of what my other babies could have been too." Stasi mustered a little, wet smile at the notion.
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inchargemarge
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2025 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Riley smiled softly at Stasi's words, her brows scrunching as she reached to cup one of her granddaughters cheeks.

"Sometimes I think I see some of my Raphael in your Father," Riley began as she studied Stasi's face. She looked like her mother for sure, but she saw traces of Ivan all throughout. She was every bit her father's tenderness as well as his brutality. "I think you are exactly right, внучка." Riley finished, reaching then to wipe one of Stasi's tears from her cheek.
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